Cause It's Over
by Star5674
Summary: What do you do when the one you love doesn't love you back?
1. Chapter 1

I lay awake in the dark room with only the moonlight illuminating the room through the curtains.

I'm lying there, staring into the shadows that dance on the ceiling.

The room I had known well - the room in which I had spent many a night over the past year and a half.....Until Nathan had decided it was time to part ways.

~~~

"I just think it would be better for the both of us, if we took a break and then see where we stand," Nathan had explained on that cool Autumn day.

It had made me feel as though my heart were being ripped from my chest to hear him say those words-- perhaps because of the sheer shock of it all....of all of the things I could hear him saying to me, that was definitely not what I had been expecting. There hadn't been any signs at least that I had been aware of...sure, we'd had to spend quite a bit of time apart --I was in Tree Hill working my job of managing a restaurant and going to graduate school and he was splitting his time between playing for the Boston Celtics and living in Tree Hill in the off season.

We had been making it work at least I thought we had- daily phone calls, texts and emails. He was always in my thoughts wherever he was. He knew I would never be unfaithful to him and he's the most honest person I've ever met -- I always knew he would break up with me before he would cheat on me -- but despite our best efforts to keep our relationship intact, apparently it had come to a point in which this was not enough for him- that's when he'd needed the 'break.'

I was never one to force someone into being with me, so I let him go -- it hurt like hell but I couldn't live with the alternative -- knowing he was miserable. I had asked him if it was because of anyone in particular - his response was that it wasn't any one person in particular, but rather the lifestyle of freedom to which he had grown accustomed before we were together....so I was losing out to need for independence and the single life.

Weeks went by - many nights I had cried on my best friend Brooke's shoulder. I had become so enthralled in this relationship, I had almost forgotten who I was before Nathan. I was determined to gain back the independence I once had possessed. Brooke was a great help - she and I would always find new and interesting things to try, every hobby imaginable from painting to book clubs (which Brooke did just to appease me) - anything to keep me busy and avoid my thoughts drifting back to my old life with Nathan.

Around two months after our break up, I heard rumblings around town that Nathan was back in town. The season was over for the Celtics and Nathan had some time before the practices would start up again— He had kept an apartment here to come home too in the off season -- and that's when it began.....and it all started with a phone call.

Brooke and I had been at her apartment, watching a movie late one Friday night.

My cell phone began to ring.

I pulled it out of my purse, confused at who would be calling me at this hour.

I didn't recognize the number either but decided to answer it anyway. To this day, I can't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing--

"Hello?"

"Hales?"

I blinked, not knowing what to say. "Nathan, is that you?" I asked cautiously.

"Yeah, its me," he replied, not sounding like his usual self.

I looked over at a wide-eyed Brooke and stood up to walk out on the patio.

"Um, what's going on? Are you alright?" I asked.

"Yeah, what's the matter? Can't I just call you to say Hi?" he said in a tone that was evident he'd been drinking.

"Well, we haven't spoken in months, so its kind of surprising to hear from you now," I replied.

"I know, we haven't talked and I'm sorry about that....I've been up at Tric all night thinking maybe you'd be there," he said.

"No, I haven't been there since us," I said.

He got quiet for a second, I almost thought he'd hung up.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Sorry, I dropped the phone."

"How much have you been drinking?" I asked him.

"A bit," he said in a slurred tone.

"Are you driving?" I asked him with concern. That was one of my biggest pet peeves-

"Nah, I'm at Tim's house," he replied, referring to one of his friends from high school who had also remained in Tree Hill.

"Okay, well be safe," I said carefully.

"Aren't you going to come and see me?" he asked.

I closed my eyes. "You broke up with me remember? I don't think that's the best idea," I chose my words carefully.

"Maybe we can just talk for a little while...I miss you, Hales," Nathan said in a tone that I recognized.

He was quickly weakening my resolve.

"Will you pick me up at Tim's? We can go back to my place and hang for a little while...ya know, catch up," he said.

I shut my eyes, trying to will any thought of actually going there out of my head -- it wasn't working. I really wanted to hang up and not look back....but I couldn't.

~~~~

Brooke just watched me with folded arms as I gathered my coat and purse.

"What are you doing?? I can't believe this -- you're just going right back there....after what he did and the way he made you feel...."

I looked at Brooke. "He's in a bad way right now - I'm just going to make sure he's okay."

"That's a cop-out," Brooke said, frowning. "You've been in Nathan Scott de-tox....we finally got you to where you don't feel like total crap all of the time...and then you have to run back and get your fix the second he decides to call you."

I winced at her analogy, even though it was the best way to describe how I felt -- he was like a drug, in every sense of the word.

"It will be fine -- I'll be fine," I replied, putting on my coat. "I'll call you tomorrow."

~~~~

Nathan was on the porch when I got to Tim's apartment.

I stepped out of the car and walked toward him.

He grinned that 'million dollar' grin he has when he saw me. "Hey Hales!"

I could tell he'd been drinking even more since I had talked to him. I could smell whiskey on his breath when he ran to me to give me a hug.

I gathered all that I could muster to pull away from him, trying to remain somewhat detached.

I shook my head, "you are toasted, huh?"

He grinned again, "just a few brewskies, nothin' much, ya know...hangin' with the guys."

I looked up to the house, "where is Tim?"

"He's in there, hooking up with this girl he picked up at Tric I would imagine," Nathan replied, looking me in the eye.

I rolled my eyes and gave a small smile. "Tim is actually able to get girls to come home with him?"  
Nathan chuckled as he made his way to the passenger side of my car.

"So why did you call me?" I had to ask as we got in my car.

"...I told you...because I wanted to catch up -- I couldn't stand the thought of you hating me," Nathan replied.

"I don't hate you," I replied, pulling out onto the street.

Nathan looked over at me, "I think I made a mistake."

"What? Drank one too many 'Jack and Cokes?'" I joked as I drove.

"No....in breaking up with you --"

I looked over at him, unsure of what to say or how to say it. "I think this is the alcohol talking," I said.

"How do you know?" he asked me.

"...because you've been back in town for a little while now, from what I've heard, and I'm just hearing all of this now..."

Nathan grabbed my hand that was resting on the gear shift and gave me the stare that he would always give when he was serious about something. "Will you stay with me tonight, Haley?"


	2. Chapter 2

That's how the cycle began -- and continued.....those late night phone calls that really only occurred when he'd been drinking way too much -- the incessant questioning of why we'd broken up, the fear that he'd made a huge mistake....yet these revelations never seemed to come in the sober light of day. He became a different person at night -- he was the person who still wanted to be with me - and it was addictive.

Then he would ask me to come over and stay with him --that's why I'm here -- because I'm weak.

The mornings usually turned out the same each time, waking to awkward silences...I never knew what to say and was always ready to kick myself for being so weak-willed. Silence always seemed alright with him -he would usually be so hungover, it was hard to make conversation anyway.

It's a ridiculous cycle that makes me feel stupid after each encounter -- but I can't help it...I find myself drawn to him over and over again.

"Can't you see that he's just using you? If he really wanted to get back together, you wouldn't just hear from him when he's looking for a late night drunken booty call," Brooke always says.

I know that she's right....but her lectures are not what I need right now. I've always considered myself to be a pretty smart person -- but intelligence or maturity doesn't always win out over emotions. I can see this for what it is -- I'm not fooling myself into believing its more-- I know it should stop and soon.....its just a matter of willpower - mind over matter.

I knew I needed to call him on all of the things he would say in the dark but would never acknowledge when he was sober. The old Haley wanted to believe him when he said how much he still cared about me but I knew better - it was the alcohol talking every time....he didn't want 'me,' he just wanted 'someone'.....which lead me to the question I was gathering the courage to ask one particular night here in his room.

"Why do you call me to come here and be with you if you wanted a 'single life' and freedom to hook up with whoever you wanted?" I asked his sleeping form lying there next to me-- he had passed out once again and the truth was, that was the only time I could get up the nerve to ask him such questions.

It is ridiculous but even after being with him - he still had a way of completely intimidating me without even trying. Just being around him was like being around a larger- than-life force. He was by far, the most attractive man I had ever seen. I knew that other women were completely drawn to him so finding another 'warm body' wouldn't exactly be a problem for him....but I knew I was only going to get hurt trying to analyze his actions, the actions that were taken under a drunken influence. He was drunk on alcohol and I was drunk on the way he made me feel when I was with him (as corny and cliched as I know that sounds)

He was one of those men who wasn't just attractive. He was stunning. I know, I continue to make excuses for my weakness when it comes to Nathan - but it's a strong, powerful force - pure magnetism.

I knew that sooner than later, I was going to have to face the reality of the situation -- and part of me should be angry for the way things were turning out...angry that he was taking advantage of my vulnerability and that I was allowing it. If I ended up really hurt by it all this time around, I would have no one to blame but myself.

~~

"Don't tell me, again last night?" Brooke asked me with a serious look. We had met for lunch that afternoon to catch up since I hadn't seen her much lately. I guess in a way I was purposely avoiding her although I'm not proud of it....I just can't hear another person confirm what I already know in my mind to be true. I have to handle this in my own way.

"Yes, but I really don't want to talk about it -- because that was it, that was the last time," I replied, hoping she would just drop the subject.

Brooke just looked at me, not at all believing what I was saying.

"So, how's the store?" I asked, desperately changing the subject.

"Great actually!" Brooke perked up, "I just started work on another line!"

"That's terrific!" I replied.

Brooke was a clothing designer – she had always had a passion for it and had started her own clothing line right after high school. The clothing line had seen almost overnight success. Brooke had been based in New York but had opened a store here in Tree Hill so that she could be home more often.

We laughed and continued our lunches-- all was well. It felt really good to just be talking about something else and to not be constantly analyzing and wondering. It was way too time-consuming not to mention completely exhausting.

I was bound and determine to excise Nathan from my life -- I knew it would have to be that way. I would never be able to bottle my emotions enough to just be his friend -- it wouldn't be any healthier than this ridiculous debacle I was already currently involved in where he was concerned. The real obstacle would be in actually accomplishing this goal.

We were finishing up our lunches when I felt my cell phone vibrating in my purse next to my feet. I reached down to see if it was anyone calling from the restaurant. To my surprise, Nathan's number was flashing on the screen.

I looked at Brooke, "It's Nathan."

She looked at me and said wryly, "has his drinking spilled over into the daylight hours as well?"

I gave her a dry smirk and looked back to the phone. "Be strong," she said. I closed my eyes and set the phone back in my purse, letting the call go to my voicemail. I would be able to tell if he left a message -- and I have to admit, he did have me curious as to why he'd be calling in the middle of the day. That was a new gesture in our current mess.

"Interesting," Brooke said. Despite her efforts to be the nay-sayer for my own good, she had a way of treating the situation like one of her soap operas to catch up on the latest drama and emotional treachery.

"I don't know and I don't care...I'm serious," I said, taking a final bite of my salad while Brooke looked at me skeptically.

Soon after, she and I said our goodbyes and I headed back to campus for my only graduate course of the afternoon. I took a deep breath, retrieving the cell phone from my purse - seeing that I had a new voicemail. I dialed the voicemail number and listened.

"Hey, it's Nathan," the voice began. He sounded like his usual self -"I was wondering if you had any plans tonight- I am having dinner with my agent and his wife tonight and I wanted to see if you would be my dinner date- Ocean Grill, tonight 9pm. Let me know if you would be interested, bye."

I sighed deeply, now more confused than before. I shut my eyes, wishing and hoping for a way to know how to handle this -- I knew I needed to walk away. I needed to be away from Nathan for good this time...but for him to go and do this? This was starting to cancel out the thought I had imprinted in my mind - that I was just a late night hook-up...it was starting to cancel out the reasons I had convinced myself to walk away in the first place.

I was at a total loss - not at all sure of what I should do - my logical, cynical side willed me to call him and decline - my emotional and curious side willed me to accept the invitation and at least try to understand what was going on here.

I remembered Brooke's words from earlier, 'be strong'. I flipped my phone open and with a shaking hand, returned Nathan's phone call. He picked up after the first ring.

"Hey Hales!" he said brightly.

"Hi Nathan...how are you?" I fumbled.

"I'm alright -- how are you? I guess you got my message?" he asked.

"Yes, I did...and thanks...but the truth is, I don't think I'll be able to make it," I replied.

"Oh," I could hear the disappointment in Nathan's voice over that simple word. "I'm sorry to hear that...I was really hoping you could make it..."

I shut my eyes, silently willing myself to stand my ground.

"I appreciate the invitation...I really just have a lot of work to do and I think its better if I just stay home, but thanks for the invitation."

"I understand, maybe next time," Nathan replied.

"Yeah, maybe." We both fumbled with what to say and eventually just said goodbye.

I sighed another deep breath I hadn't been aware that I was holding. I opened up my phone again and dialed quickly.  
Brooke was back at work and the phone went to her voicemail so I left a message -

"Hey Brooke? It's Haley. I was thinking if you didn't have any plans tonight, maybe you could bring a movie over to the apartment...a movie and plenty of Ben and Jerry's ice cream...I think I'm gonna need it."


	3. Chapter 3

"Alright -- we some choices here," Brooke said, opening the bag she had brought with her.

"We have Chunky Monkey, Fudge Brownie or Cherry Garcia for the ice cream choices and "I Am Legend," "The Mist" or "Enchanted" for our movie choices."

"How about Fudge Brownie for me and "Enchanted" to watch first," I replied.

"Alright," Brooke said, handing me the tub of ice cream and walking over to set up the DVD.

It was great to have company -- It would have made things even more difficult to sit here alone tonight. I needed the moral support and the encouragement that Brooke had given after I explained Nathan's invitation.  
"That guy -- I can't even begin to understand him," Brooke had said, shaking her head. So that's great, at least I wasn't the only one completely flabbergasted by the whole thing.

We settled in, eating our ice cream and watched the movie. Once the movie was over, we decided to take a break before our second selection.

Brooke went to the bathroom while I took the cartons into the kitchen to clean up. It was nearly 11 by now and even though I had an early class, I wasn't about to send Brooke home until I had to -- to be alone right now would be my downfall.

I was approaching this the way I approach any project or task - with motivation and determination. I would not be weak to Nathan anymore, I just wouldn't....I could be a lot of stronger than I had been and at this point, it is a matter of self preservation.

I thought I faintly heard the doorbell when I was running the garbage disposal but wasn't sure until I walked back into the living room where a befuddled Brooke stood at the door with Nathan right beside her.

~~~

"Hi," Nathan gave me a small smile as I continued into the living room.

"Hi," I replied.

Brooke still stood in place, really not sure what to say or do.

"You missed a great dinner, so I thought I'd bring some to you," Nathan said presenting a bag he'd been holding. Brooke's mouth gaped open unintentionally, looking from Nathan to me.

"Uh...thanks," I replied, taking the bag.

"I'm -- going to get some more, pepsi, from the kitchen," Brooke said, trying to make a hasty exit. Brooke had definitely matured over the years. In high school, she would have taken the food out of Nathan's hands and shoved him out the door. This time, she really was stepping back and away to let me deal with the situation – and I couldn't figure out whether to be happy or anxious about it.

I gave her a weak smile and silently cursed her for leaving the room to make things even more awkward.

This was the first time I had seen Nathan sober since our break up.

"Well thanks for the food," I said, trying to be curt.

"You're welcome -- I'm sorry I didn't call first," Nathan said. "I...just wanted to see you."

I don't know where it came from or how -- but suddenly, I wasn't filled with longing or sadness, I was angry....and it all came bubbling to the surface.

"Nathan - what are you doing?" I asked him suddenly.

"What? Just bringing you food."

"Yeah, but the question is why?? I mean, this whole thing that's been going on lately -- its been really confusing and complicated and its just plain wrong."

Nathan looked genuinely confused. "I never meant to force you to do something you felt was wrong...."

"Yeah, I don't really believe you were thinking about me at all," I said, on a roll now. "I think you just wanted someone there and I was the easiest target -- I was less work than to go out and pick up a stranger...and I can't do it anymore...It....it hurts too much."

Nathan's mouth dropped open, not at all sure of what to say. I couldn't tell if he was upset or just confused. He just stood there looking at me.

"Is that what you really think of me? Do you think you're just a warm body to me after everything that has happened?!" he asked, incredulously.

"What am I supposed to think?? I never hear from you unless you're tanked late at night! It's surely not a relationship anymore!" I cried.

"I mean - what do you want from me? You wanted your freedom, you wanted to break up and now you're here, trying to act like my boyfriend again," I said.

Nathan stood for a second, silent. He knew there was truth to the statement -- "I'm trying to be in your life and be your friend and I never meant for any of this to turn out the way that it did...I didn't realize it was hurting you," Nathan said.

"Well, it is hurting me and I can't be your friend so please leave," I said in a tone that was pretty harsh - perhaps even more harsh than I had intended.

Nathan sighed, not sure whether to leave or try to talk more but I didn't give him a chance to decide.

I brushed past Brooke and back into the kitchen as she was walking into the room. Nathan just looked at Brooke with weak expression.

He was waiting for her sharp reply but was only met with a silent glare.

"I'm going to go – see ya Brooke," he said, turning on his heel and walked out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

I was sitting on the kitchen floor, leaned against the cabinets crying when Brooke walked back in.

"Ohh, honey," she said, rushing over to sit beside me and gave me a hug.

"I just can't believe he wouldn't know how this would make me feel," I said through my tears.

"I know, guys are kind of clueless sometimes -- they think that if you don't speak up, then its okay...that you wouldn't do it if you didn't feel right about it," Brooke reasoned.

I pulled away from crying on her shoulder. "...are you defending him?"

"Of course not, have you ever seen me defend Nathan Scott?" Brooke scoffed. "I'm just saying that maybe he isn't lying about truly not realizing that it would hurt you -- guys think so differently than us -- he probably figured that you would just refuse to be with him if it hurt you...that's the way guys are- they just won't do something if it doesn't match what they want...."

"It doesn't make it alright," I said.

"No....but...don't get mad at me for this -- you can't just blame him though...you did agree to go over there every time, no one forced you into it...and you knew the outcome each time because it was always the same. You have to take some responsibility too," Brooke explained.

I was silently agreeing, knowing that I couldn't take the easy way out and put the sole blame on Nathan - after all, I had allowed my weakness for him to take me over there every time he called.

"Well...I finally put my foot down this time," I said.

"You did and I'm proud of you...I'm sure you gave him a lot to think about," Brooke replied.

"Nah, not really -- he knows what he wants...he wants freedom...that won't change - whether I'm there to hook up with him or not."

"Maybe...but maybe not-- this will be interesting to see -- now that you are refusing him...you can truly see where you stand with him. If he just gives up all contact, then you can pretty much bet it was just physical and he can get it somewhere else-- but if there is truly more there for him, he'll try to see you or talk to you."

"I don't know considering I pretty much told him to get lost," I replied.

Brooke shook her head, "...when a guy truly knows what he wants, he'll still pursue- especially now that he knows how you still feel."

I sighed in wonder and awe that the situation had managed to become even more complicated than before.

We sat there in the kitchen a few minutes longer, in silence when the doorbell rang again.

We both looked at each other with surprise.

I took a deep breath, standing up and walking to the front door.

I pulled it open to find Nathan standing there.

"I know you told me to leave...but can I come in? I really think we should talk," he asked quietly.

Without a word, I opened the door further to allow him inside.

Nathan stepped further into the living room as Brooke was coming around the corner with her jacket.

"Where are you going??" I asked quickly.

"I have to head home, I have an early meeting tomorrow," she explained, gathering her purse and keys. She eyed Nathan cautiously.

"Don't start Brooke, please," Nathan said, clearly remembering the old Brooke.

"Just don't make this any worse," Brooke said to him through gritted teeth as she affectionately patted Haley's arm and walked out the door.

Nathan and I stood there in silence for a minute that felt like an eternity.

Nathan sat down on the couch as I sat in the armchair.

"I came back because there's too much history here to just walk away without talking this through," Nathan said.

I was quiet, waiting for him to continue.

"I did break up with you because I wanted to be single again -- I missed that life and that independence...but I still wanted you to be there, to be in my life...I know that sounds selfish but its true. You are so important to me, you really are..."

"Nathan, you can't have it both ways. I can't just be your friend -- your buddy to pal around with or hook up with no strings attached while you go out with other women...it doesn't work that way for me - I just can't do it--"

"---I know that now and I'm sorry...I do know that its not fair to you and you deserve better than that. I love you - I will probably always love you...but I'm not what you want me to be...at least not right now."

"What does that mean?" I asked quickly.

"It means that I don't know much...I don't know what I want half the time...but I do know that I'm not ready for what you need -- someone who is ready to settle down...and I need to be honest about that...I owe that to you at the very least," Nathan said.

I nodded, just listening to what he was saying -- the huge reality check slapping me in the face. Every hope I had had for the two of us was knocked from my mind at that moment.

"So, what do we do now?" I asked him.

"I don't know -- I think that's going to be up to you...you know where I stand - so if you don't want to see me or talk to me, its going to hurt like hell but I'll have to do it to respect your feelings and still be true to myself. That's all I can really do at this point," Nathan said.

I nodded in understanding, quiet for a moment.

"Just - let me think about some things, okay?" I asked him.

Nathan stood up. "Sure, absolutely...."

He stood over me for a second and I bit my lower lip to keep from bursting into tears.

"I'm sorry Hales," he whispered.

I just shook my head, looking at the ground, afraid to speak - afraid that he would hear tears in my voice. He walked to the front door, turning around to take a last look and then left.

I put my head in my hands and cried the hardest I have in a very long time.


	5. Chapter 5

The next few days were the hardest. I think it was because I had finally gotten the reality 'slap' I had so much needed and dreaded at the same time. I now knew with certainty how Nathan felt and there was no going back.

I had explained the entire encounter to Brooke who only shook her head in response.

"Damn guys!" she exclaimed when I was finished. "They only want what they can't have and when they can have it - they don't want it anymore."

I merely nodded, not wanting to mill over the details any longer.

"Well that's okay, he's an idiot. We're going to find you total hotness to date and then Nathan will really see what he's lost," Brooke said matter-of-factly.

I rolled my eyes. Dating was the last thing on my mind at the moment. Graduate classes were killing me and work was very consuming as well. Maybe it was for the best to forego the romantic entanglements until my life slowed down a bit...any excuses would work for me at this point.

"I'm taking you to a club tonight and you're going to have a blast - a complete Nathan-free, drama free night with a few drinks bought by some hotties...its just what you need."

I just looked at her - she meant well. "I know what you're trying to do and I do appreciate it...but its just not working for me," I replied.

"That's because you have to get in the state of mind to make it work for you," Brooke said. "This doesn't just happen on its own for everyone-- especially people like you."

"People like me?" I asked, not sure whether to be offended.

"Yes, serious minded people like you who need to lighten up and enjoy life a little more...and the crazy part is, they don't even realize it...that's why I'm here!" Brooke smiled.

That forced me to grin -- Brooke was here trying to pull out all the stops so I would get out and have a good time and hey, it couldn't hurt, right?

~~~~~

I pulled on my pair of skinny black leather pants and tied my red halter-top. I looked in the mirror, brushing my hair and felt like I was seeing a younger version of myself. These were the outfits I would wear in college to go out for drinks with friends – they didn't see much wear in current times. Things seemed to be less complicated back then, although I hadn't thought that at the time-- that was life's joke, I guess. No matter what happens, there's always something bigger around the corner to show you that a past problem wasn't as crucial as it once seemed.

"Are you ready chick?" Brooke came around the corner. She was decked out in a tube top and black pants ensemble.

I smiled, continuing to brush my hair. "Yeah, almost."

I bit my lip with uncertainty and Brooke could see the look on my face -- she said, "I talked to Luke this morning- things are going well in New York and he said to say Hello and that he is going to call you this week… he also said Nathan was going to Boston today so don't worry...he's out of town."

I looked at her in surprise - she knew me too well.

~~~

The cab pulled up in front of the club - the line to the entrance was long as usual.

Brooke paid the cab driver and we stepped to the curb.

"What's up Tommy?!" Brooke called to the bouncer who waved to us as he was checking someone's I.D. at the door.

After a few short minutes, we were in the club and heading to the bar.

"I would like two Midori Sours, please!" Brooke said, laying money on the bar. She stopped me from reaching into my purse. "Put that away - this one is on me and the rest will be from some cute guy we haven't met yet!"

I laughed, sitting on the bar stool to wait for my drink.

The club was filling up quickly even though it was only 10:30 - we continued to drink 3 more drinks each - Brooke had been right. Several guys had been around to chat and buy us drinks.

After 4, I was feeling pretty good -- my tolerance was near zero from not drinking for awhile- due to working so much and going to classes.

I began talking with a guy named Todd who was seated next to me while Brooke was on my other side talking to a guy named Will.

It turned out that Todd was also in the Graduate program for Biology.

After a few minutes of talking, he asked, "would you like to dance?"

I'd never been much of a dancer, but the drinks were making me feel a little less self conscious than normal so I accepted.

We went out to the semi-crowded dance floor and began to dance.

"You're a pretty good dancer!" I said, leaning into him so he could hear me over the music.

"Thanks! So are you!" he laughed.

We continued to dance, laughing and leaning in to talk with another every couple of minutes.

A slower song came on and we started slow dancing.

Brooke was watching from across the room -- her conversation partner Will was in the restroom.

It was then that she noticed a few paces over, a familiar face was also on the dance floor. Her eyes widened and she cursed aloud, "Damn!" even though no one could hear her anyway.

Across the dance floor, even though I didn't know it at the time, was Nathan, dancing with a blonde girl.

Maybe she won't see him, Brooke silently hoped.

She didn't have to hope or wonder long - she could see that Nathan had spotted me.

She rolled her eyes, wondering what he was going to do next.

He continued to stare, watching me dance with Todd--I was still unaware of his presence.

The song ended and another began and we continued to dance.

Unbeknownst to me, Nathan had stopped dancing and excused himself from the girl to approach Brooke.

She quickly tried to pretend she hadn't seen him when he began walking toward her.

"Hey Brooke," he said with a small smile.

Brooke only looked at Nathan, "what the hell are you doing here?"

"Well nice to see you too -- how's it going?" he chuckled – the silent Brooke from before had scared him – the feisty Brooke he could handle.

"Fine - everything is awesome -- I thought Luke said that you were leaving town?" Brooke said sharply.

"Yeah, I was supposed to but then I got the call that I'm not needed there until Monday," Nathan replied.

Brooke shook her head - of all the times she thought it would be safe to bring me to Tric.

"How is she?" he asked quietly.

"She's fine, as I'm sure you can tell," Brooke said. Nathan only nodded, turning to see me still out on the dance floor with Todd.

"Does she despise me?" Nathan found himself asking Brooke.

Brooke rolled her eyes, "What? Nathan – save it -- if you want to ask about Haley, please just ask her. I'm staying out of this and believe me, you don't want me to get involved here."

"I would ask her but she doesn't exactly want to talk to me," Nathan replied in a biting tone.

"Well, she's fine -- she's moving on and she's fine," Brooke said, looking Nathan square in the eye.

Nathan just nodded and looked down, "I suppose that's good."

Brooke rolled her eyes a second time, "she's only doing what you wanted, ya know?...you don't want her so she needs to find someone who does-- someone who won't play games with her."

Nathan just shook his head and continued looking at the ground.

He finally looked up and simply said, "just look out for her alright?"

"Ya mean, keep her away from guys like you?" Brooke said in a wry tone.

Nathan shook his head, "whatever," and walked away.

Brooke shook her head and looked up to see that I was watching from my place on the dance floor.


	6. Chapter 6

What was that about?" I asked approaching Brooke.

Brooke looked disappointed that I had seen Nathan, "It was nothing....he was just saying 'Hello.' I'm sorry...he was supposed to be out of town -- I'm going to kill Lucas."

"I don't care about that," I said. "I am just wondering what gives him the right to approach my friends," I knew I was being bold - it was alcohol-induced for sure but I was angry.

"Haley, please...just leave it," Brooke said cautiously. She knew me well - she could tell I'd reached my drinking limit.

For the most part, I could be the 'fun drunk' of any group -- but sometimes, if there was already resentment or anger present, it seemed to be enhanced with intoxication.

Brooke tried to stop me but I brushed her hand away as I walked wobbly over to Nathan, who was standing with the blonde girl from before.

"Hello!" I said, approaching Nathan who looked genuinely surprised and not at all sure of what to expect from me.

"So, are you drunk as usual?" I asked him.

Nathan just looked at me for a second, "actually I've had one drink all night...but thanks for asking."

"Well, good for you! That's a first!"

"Haley," Nathan said sternly.

"What? I'm just speaking the truth, Nathan...you're all about being honest, right?" I said, looking right at him.

Nathan narrowed his eyes and a second later I felt someone pulling on my arm.

"Hey, we need to go...now," Brooke said, looking from me to Nathan to the blonde girl.

"Why? The night is young and I'm here having a wonderful conversation with Nathan and his lady friend," I replied.

Nathan looked quizzically at Brooke, waiting to see what she would say.

"I know but we really need to go -- besides Todd is looking for you...he thought you left," Brooke said.

"Oh Todd, I forgot!" I said. "It was nice seeing you both," I said, walking away quickly, thinking over and over what a stupid person I was...why couldn't I just deal and let it go?

"What are you doing, Haley? This isn't you," Brooke said, still holding my arm as I walked back to the bar.

"I don't know...just don't remind me about this tomorrow, alright?" I asked shakily.

"Are you alright?" the blonde girl asked Nathan as he watched from across the room.

His attention snapped back to the girl beside him.

"Yeah, I'm fine -- hey, it was very nice to meet ya...I'm gonna be heading out now though," he said quickly with a smile and walked away toward the door.

~~~~

Brooke and I were singing along to the radio in the cab - I'm sure it was quite annoying to the poor cab drivers who have to drive the drunks home at 2am.

Brooke had already decided to stay over and sleep on my couch. We pulled up to my apartment, paid the cab driver and stepped out.

Brooke noticed before I did, "oh my god..."

"What?" I asked, turning to look at what she had seen.

Sitting on my porch, bundled up in a big coat and sitting in my swing was Nathan.

~~~~~

Nathan watched us walk up the sidewalk to the porch.

"For the second time tonight, what the hell are you doing here?" Brooke asked.

"Brooke! Let me handle this, please!" I said, cutting her off.

Nathan stood up from the swing.

Brooke took my key, walking past Nathan giving him a glare and without so much as a word, unlocked the front door and stepped inside.

Nathan just looked at me.

"What?" I practically yelled. Most of the effects of the alcohol were gone -- now I was just angry and frustrated. "What do you want from me?"

Nathan looked down, "I wanted to make sure you would be alright -- you looked pretty out of it at the bar."

"It's not your job to protect me," I retorted.

"Maybe not, but that doesn't mean I've stopped caring about you...for some reason you seem to think that," Nathan said.

"...because if you really cared about me, you would just leave me alone," I said, feeling the tears ready to stream. Damn alcohol.

Nathan shut his eyes -- "I've hurt you pretty badly-- but I can't turn away without knowing you will be okay..."

"I'll be fine -- I need to do this on my own but this is hard and you aren't making things any easier for me...." I said. Nathan nodded quietly, looking sullen.

"I'm sorry," was all he said.

I was silent for a moment and then made a bold question known. "What would you have done if I had stepped out of the cab with a guy?"

Nathan looked at me, "I don't know, honestly. I hadn't really thought about that. You've never been the type to pick up a guy in a bar."

I merely smirked in response. "Well, people can do things that will surprise you. Maybe I'm not the girl I used to be. Could you really just be my friend? Could you watch me date other guys?"

Nathan swallowed hard, thinking. "Once again, something I hadn't really thought about either...probably not."

I nodded. "That's the predicament I'm left with -- I can't be with you so I don't want to have to watch someone else be with you, even casually...maybe someday we can be friends and that's stretching it – but definitely not right now," I said.

Nathan nodded in response.

We were both silent a moment. Nathan turned toward the porch step.

"I promise, I won't bother you any more -- but if you do decide that you want me in your life—if or when you're ready, I'll be here."

That said, he turned and walked down the sidewalk and over to his car.

I shook my head, watching him leave and then turned to enter my apartment.

~~~

"What the hell is wrong with that guy?!" Brooke exclaimed as I walked in the door.

"He's struggling -- just for different reasons than me," I replied.

"Well that's not good enough!" Brooke yelled. "He chose this -- so now he has to deal with it...he wants to be able to date who he wants but still have you there, hanging by a thread, waiting for him to grow up.... f&^% that!" Brooke was angry by this point.

I sighed, not wanting to talk about it anymore.

~~~

The next six months went by in a flurry. I was finishing up graduate classes and working 50 hour work weeks at the restaurant. Nathan had kept his word- I didn't hear from him a single time. Inevitably, this made things easier with each passing day.

He had been gone most of the time – basketball season started back up which allowed him little time to come back to Tree Hill.

Through his high profile, Nathan had gotten the opportunity to schmooze with other high profile celebrities - I always heard rumblings that he was dating this actress or that model but none of it ever seemed to stick. I guess in the back of my mind, I was glad -- that meant that it wasn't just me -- I couldn't keep him but neither could anyone else....

I had actually begun dating Todd - the guy from that night at the club. He had been so sweet and supportive throughout the whole emotional mess of things.

We had been dating for the past six months and things were going wonderfully. He even asked my father's permission before giving me a beautiful engagement ring this past Christmas.

I finally felt happy and complete -- I had gotten Nathan out of my life and out of my heart...at least I thought so.

Apparently, fate had one more joke to play at my expense.

~~  
"It's tradition and as your maid of honor, I have put together an unforgettable bachelorette weekend celebration!" Brooke announced to me on Friday morning.

We had both taken the day off work to kick off our big weekend.

She had been planning this for months, practically once the engagement itself had been announced.

"Todd and I aren't even getting married for another year," I had told her carefully when she had first told me of these big plans.

"That doesn't matter!" Brooke declared. "You're engaged, therefore, you get a bachelorette party. That's the rules - and guidelines don't stipulate any time limits, don't you know that?!"

I laughed, "well, actually, the 'Bride-to-be guidelines handbook' kind of bypassed my place, so no..."

She rolled her eyes and laughed.

Friday afternoon, we had planned to have a full spa treatment day at the Salon Sonya & Spa - complete with manicures, pedicures and massages. Those activities would then lead us to the big Friday night gathering at the Masonboro venue. I had invited a few of the girls I had gone to school with as well as some female co-workers. Peyton was also flying in from Los Angeles for the festivities.

The afternoon rolled on as Brooke and I enjoyed our 'luxurious treatments' at Salon Sonya.

As I was leaving the spa, I couldn't remember a time in which I had felt more content and relaxed. It was such a wonderful feeling!

Our group was assembled at my apartment and Brooke had arranged a car to take us to Masonboro

"Wow, you really went all out, didn't you?" I smiled and asked her as the town car pulled up to the drive.

Brooke just grinned, "....of course! Like I told you, this is a huge tradition in my family!"

Our group laughed and talked until the driver pulled up to the corner of Front and Market Street.

"We're here!" Brooke announced, opening the door.

We all stepped out on the sidewalk and Brooke spoke to the matre 'de.

He ushered us inside and to a section near the back with plush leather sofas and a big dance floor.

Brooke started off by ordering us a bottle of champagne.

Then, she reached in to the bag she had brought with her and pulled out a tiara covered by a white lace veil.

The girls giggled and I burst out laughing.

Brooke looked at me and smiled, "...in keeping with the tradition, the bride-to-be has to wear this all night so that everyone who sees her can immediately know what she's celebrating!"

I laughed heartily, taking the veiled tiara and put it on my head.

The chatting and laughs continued for three hours, along with two appetizers and four bottles of champagne.

Needless to say, all of us were well on our way to feeling pretty good, some more so than others.

"So, what's next?" Peyton asked in a bubbly tone.

Brooke raised her eyebrows and smiled, "...well, from here on, Haley decides! You want to go dancing?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed so excitedly that Peyton nearly choked on the champagne she was sipping.

"Alright, where should we go?" Brooke asked.

"How about Tric?!" Tara, our friend from high school piped up.

I wasn't in any way going to argue - Tric was always a great place to dance.

Brooke settled our bill with the waiter and all of us gathered our things to head off into the chilled evening air.

Our town car was waiting for us out front - we all hopped in the back and Brooke gave directions to Tric.

I was laughing and singing along with the music playing.

It was a short car ride to Tric- the line to enter the club was as long as usual.

Jesse was working the door - we had been good friends with him in college.

"Jesse!! We're celebrating this chick tonight!" Brooke said, putting an arm around my shoulder while I was still wearing the tiara. I am sure it looked ridiculous to everyone else but I didn't care - I was too happy to worry about anything.

Jesse grinned, allowing us access ahead of everyone who had been waiting and was no doubt angry by this point.

It was around midnight so the club was pretty well packed and into the full swing of things.

Dancing figures crowded the dance floor and the music was amped to full volume from the speakers strategically placed around the bar and dance floor.

I was handed another drink before I even knew what was going on and so I continued...through one mixed drink after another.

We had grabbed one of the tables near the bar and were there for a couple of minutes when 'SexyBack' started pumping on the speakers. I jumped up.

"I want to dance!" I exclaimed, clearly not myself at all.

Peyton burst out laughing at this huge change in my demeanor, even if only temporarily.

I headed out to the dance floor, not really knowing if any of the girls were following me and not much caring at the time.

I started dancing in time to the music and before long, there were others dancing around me.

~~~~

After a few dances, I broke away from the group to order another drink. I stumbled past a couple of tables until I turned and ran straight into a guy who had been standing in front of me.

"Oh s&^%! I am so sorry!" I said, my heavy eyelids betraying the sober behavior I was attempting.

The guy turned to look down at me.

His eyes went from my face to the top of my head - that was when his expression went from surprise to full-on shock. He appeared to be staring in shock at the wedding veil tiara on my head.

The guy was Nathan.


	7. Chapter 7

We stood there looking at each other for a second before Nathan finally spoke up.

"Hey Hales….it's been a long time .how are you doing?" he asked with a small smile.

"I'm good!" I said, putting on a smile and trying to will away the stinging pain in the middle of my stomach that only surfaced when he was around.

"You, uh, celebrating something?" Nathan asked, looking up to my tiara again.

"Yeah….I'm…uh, getting married," I said, fiddling with the tiara, suddenly very self conscious.

Nathan's expression was unreadable. "Well, congratulations then."

"Thanks….um, how have you been?" I asked.

"Ya know, here and there….real busy with basketball though," Nathan said, looking down and seeming distracted.

"Yeah, that's what I hear, good for you," was all I could think to say.

To say things were awkward would be the understatement of the century.

"Well, it was nice seein' ya," Nathan said, trying to make a step to slide past me.

"Yeah, you too," I said dumbly.

He took a step and turned around, "….be sure to remind that guy how lucky he is," he said. I stood there, feeling like a child in my veiled tiara as I watched him walk away.

I knew it, I knew it then. I wasn't over him – not by a long shot. Distance and time had only shielded me because I hadn't seen him. Now that I had seen him, it was like flood gates. Everything came back to me then – I was filled with memories of how i tutored him in high school, how he asked me out, how we were together…somehow that's all I could think about. I didn't even think about the way things ended and how flaky Nathan had been during that time.

I'd like to be able to blame things on my alcohol-induced haze.

I found myself doing something that would surely make me want to kick myself later.

"Nathan!" I called after him.

Nathan heard me and turned around.

"Would you want to get together sometime for lunch, ya know, catch up?" I asked him.

Nathan smiled. "I'd like that. Are you sure, I mean, would your fiance mind?"

I shook my head, "Nah, he's really understanding.

"Okay, how about I call you?" Nathan asked.

"Sure," I said, trying to sound non-chalant.

Nathan smiled and walked away.

What are you doing? I was asking myself internally. What is wrong with you?

I knew that I didn't want to know the answer.

~~~~~

"How could you, Haley?!" Brooke nearly yelled.

We were all congregated back at my apartment and it was nearly 3AM.

Peyton, Tara and Erin just sat quietly, surveying the scene as I had told them of my encounter with Nathan at the club.

"Listen, its really not a big deal, alright? Besides, I'm sure he won't call anyway..."

"That's totally not the point and you know it," Brooke said. "Why would you even give him the time of day?"

"Well, it is Nathan Scott," Erin spoke up.

"Shut up, Erin, you're not helping!" Brooke replied.

I just shook my head. "Listen, I've had a lot to drink....I'm not even thinking clearly...it was a lapse in judgment and its not a big deal at all....so please don't make this into something its not."

Brooke just looked at me.

She was very protective, bordering on overprotective at times. Pairing that with her disdain for Nathan made for a very unpleasant combination.

I went upstairs to change out of the clothes I had worn out. They were smelling of cigarette smoke and vodka (I had had a not so smooth spill at the end of the night)

All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and pretend I hadn't seen Nathan-- and pretend that I hadn't asked him to lunch.

I slept until 1:00pm the next day.

We actually had left the day open in our plans for the continued weekend celebration. We knew how we partied and knew we'd need recovery time.

I checked my phone when I woke up, almost surprised that Todd hadn't called a single time.

He was good for giving me space with the girls when I needed it.

He's the right one for me...he just is, I convinced myself internally.

I got up to go to the living room to see what everyone else was up to.

Tara and Erin were playing a game on my PlayStation and Brooke was sitting with Peyton on the porch, drinking coffee.

I walked outside and sat in the porch swing.

"Hey sleepyhead," Peyton smiled. "We were wondering if you were going to wake up..."

I grinned, "you guys remember? I used to live like this on the weekends in college."

Brooke hadn't said a word the entire time. After a minute, as if on cue, Peyton got up and walked back in the apartment, leaving us out there alone.

"So, are you hungover?" I asked.

"No," she said, looking out of the lawn.

"I wanted to thank you for everything last night - it was a perfect evening for a bachelorette," I grinned.

"Yeah, are you gonna throw that 'last fling' in there too, for good measure?" she asked, looking at me.

"Excuse me?" I said, now getting very angry - she was taking this too far.

"Well, you can't honestly expect me to think that you wouldn't sleep with Nathan again if he wanted to," Brooke said.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "That is not fair and you know it...."

"No, I'll tell you what's not fair -- there's a guy across town who loves you and wants to marry you - yet who do we end up talking about by the end of the evening of your bachelorette party?....who we always talk about -- Nathan Scott!"

I shook my head, "if you honestly think that I would cheat on Todd, then you really don't know me at all."

"I know who you are and I love who you are...but who you are around Nathan scares me," Brooke said bluntly. "He has this inane power over you -- I've seen it a thousand times and I saw it again last night....he could get your life back into a mess real quick if you let him."

"Well, I wouldn't let him anyway, so that's irrelevant...so let's just let it be and enjoy the rest of this weekend," I said quickly, regretting that I had ever told Brooke I had run into him.

Somehow, she had managed not to see him and it hadn't even been mentioned until we had gotten back to my apartment.

I knew there was no use arguing anymore and got up to walk back into the apartment.

I went upstairs to check my phone -- no call from Todd. There was a text message. I smiled, thinking that Todd had sent me a greeting.

I flipped open my phone to find a strange number that looked oddly familiar.

"How's lunch, Tuesday, 12 at Spano's?"

I gasped in surprise. The text was a lunch invite from Nathan.

So, now the ball was in my court, so to speak....and I didn't have the slightest clue what I should do.


	8. Chapter 8

Saturday early evening continued on with festivities for my Bachelorette weekend.

I found that I wasn't even wanting to drink because the thought of alcohol had very little appeal after Friday night's excursion.

Todd called me around 6:30pm- his friends had wrangled him into going for a guys' weekend in Raleigh, that's why I hadn't heard from him until now.

"Are you staying out of trouble?" he jokingly asked me and I couldn't help but wince.

"Of course," I said.....just barely, I thought cringing.

We talked for a few more moments and then hung up.

I hate to admit it -- but the text message from Nathan had been in the back of my mind all day. I just kept thinking of all of the potential issues that came along with my answer to his invitation.

If I chose to have lunch with him, how would I tell Todd? Would I lie to Brooke about it?

I knew things would be a lot less complicated if I just politely declined the offer and chalked up my original proposition to drunken blather.

However, the more I contemplated it all, the more difficult the choice became....the less complicated route clearly wasn't the evident choice for me although I really hate to admit that-- it should have been, without a doubt.

~~~~~

At 9:30pm, Erin and Tara were getting ready for another evening out while Brooke, Peyton and I sipped margaritas in the living room.

"So, where to tonight, missy?" Peyton asked me.

I shrugged. "I don't know - what are you all up for?"

Brooke was in a better mood about everything than she had been earlier - thank goodness. "I don't know....its your weekend, so you should decide."

"Alright - Six Degrees then?" I suggested the popular nightspot.

The girls nodded in agreement - it was an excellent club with great live music.

By the time the girls were ready to go, I had had three margaritas --completely going against my earlier decision to not drink.

I ran to my room to grab my jacket and noticed my cell phone sitting on the bed.

I took a deep breath, flipped the phone open and saw that I had one missed call. I flipped it open, thinking I must have missed one of Todd's calls -- only to see the same number pop up that had sent the text message....Nathan.

I closed my eyes, silently cursing him for not making things easier on me.

He had left a voicemail -- "Hey Hales, its Nathan. I don't know if you got my text message but I have to back out on Tuesday's lunch plans --I have to fly to Boston on Monday for a Celtics promotion but I'll be back later in the week- maybe we can hang out and catch up. Give me a call if you want to make plans for another day, bye."

I stared at my phone in contemplation for a moment. Once again, I was hit with a choice that shouldn't be so difficult -- for normal people it wouldn't be difficult....but this was me and Nathan ...nothing about that was normal.

I pressed SEND to call back the number that had last called my phone.

"Hi, Nathan? It's Haley."

"Hey Hales, how are ya?" he asked brightly.

"I'm good -- just hanging out with the girls again tonight," I said.

"That's cool -- doesn't your fiance mind? I mean, being a weekend and all and you're not with him...." he was silent for a split second. "....ya know, that's none of my business and I should just shut up," Nathan asked, never one to shy away from questions.

"No, its alright," I said, "...he's with his friends in Raleigh, having a guys' weekend, while we're just hanging out here."

"That's cool," Nathan replied. "That's the thing - you always were so cool about things like guys' weekends whereas a lot of girls would flip."

I smiled, remembering how I'd always made an extra effort to never be one of those possessive, controlling girls.

Suddenly, I was aching to change the subject -- in fear of veering into territory that was neither appropriate nor conducive to my engaged status.

"Well, we're headed to Six Degrees tonight," I found myself saying and then cringed -- why was I always divulging all information to him?? This was getting ridiculous.

"That's cool - actually, Tim and I were thinking about checking that out...." Nathan said sheepishly.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, I silently willed myself not to say anything else that I may later kick myself for saying.

"Have a fun time though....and who knows, maybe I'll see you there," Nathan said after a minute.

I shook my head, "....yeah, that's cool, have a good night," I said desperately trying to play it cool and not sound like I was eager to spend any time in the near vicinity of where he may be.

We said our goodbyes and I headed back to the living room to meet up with the girls.

"What took you so long?" Brooke asked.

"Sorry -- I kept changing my mind about what to wear," I fibbed, not wanting to mention Nathan again for the rest of the weekend.

~~~~~~~~

The beats of the latin music pulsed through the room and lights illuminated the dance floor - I couldn't see anyone in the club who wasn't dancing- it was amazing. The nightclub had few areas to lounge so most everyone was on or around the dance floor.

We got settled before too long with fresh drinks in hand, to survey the scene.

Brooke immediately went to the dance floor with Erin and Tara in tow.

Peyton and I stood back to the left corner, adjacent to the bar, sipping our drinks and talking.

"So, what do you think Todd is doing?" Peyton asked.

I shrugged, "I don't know - if I know his friends, they're up to no good."

Peyton laughed-- Todd's friends had a tendency to be a little more wild than he was -- but I always trusted him when he was with them. It was something I just felt inside....I knew that he wouldn't hurt me. I think that's why I have clung to him so much -- he's reliable and safe. I don't have to guess with him and there's no game playing. I knew that I cared very deeply for him and wanted to be with him but I had felt like I was working overtime to convince myself every time I had let my thoughts wander to Nathan.

Peyton and I continued to talk when I heard someone come up behind me.

"....and why aren't you out there on the dance floor?"

I turned to see Nathan standing behind me with a grin on his face. He was with Tim.

Nathan hugged Peyton hello.

"What's up my sistas, its been way too long fo' shizzle!" Tim exclaimed.

"Just say hello, Tim," Nathan rolled his eyes.

"So, I hear you're getting married," Tim smiled.

I smiled in return, trying to ignore Nathan's stare. "Yeah, I'm getting married next year."

"That's great, congratulations," Tim replied.

A moment later, Peyton and Tim walked to the bar to get drinks, leaving Nathan and me alone, standing by the wall in the far corner.

Nathan shoved his hands in his pocket and looked at the ground. It was then that I saw a glimpse of him again -- the old Nathan - the one who allowed himself to be vulnerable in a way that only he let me see.

I didn't know what to say, but silence was making each second increasingly more awkward.

"So, you're going to Boston, huh?" I spoke up.

"Yeah, for a few days....Celtics contract stuff," Nathan replied. "It's going well though. I'm in salary negotations to play next year, so we'll see."

I nodded.

Nathan looked a little uncomfortable. I found myself getting ready to make yet another stupid comment but seemed powerless to stop it at the moment.

"I was hoping you would drop by tonight so we could catch up," I said.

Nathan looked me in the eye and his smile widened. "I was hoping to see you too, Hales......but listen, the way things were, when we last spoke months ago....I look back on that and I'm ashamed."

I shook my head, "...that was a long time ago."

"Not really though," Nathan said. "....there's no excuse for the way I was acting and I'm sorry -- I don't know what was wrong with me....I think I got this attention and this status and I let it go to my head. It was wrong of me and I see that now, completely."

I nodded slowly not quite sure where he was going with this conversation and not sure I wanted to hear anymore.

"I look at Luke," Nathan said, "....and I envy what he has....because its real. He's been with Lindsay for two years and they are so happy together. I know that I've let go of the chance for something real and its a really bad feeling....being surrounded by a bunch of shallow people only makes me feel more alone."

I just looked at him. "....you act like your life is over....you're so young....of course you'll have chances to have a real relationship," I replied.

Nathan shook his head and looked out over the dance floor, "....I'll just say," he looked me in the eye again, "...that I know what I've lost --"

I just looked at him again, trying my hardest not to waver.

I had the most confusing flurry of emotions at that moment.

Happiness, sadness, anger and confusion hit me in waves --

I shook my head, "....damn you."

Nathan looked at me.

"Damn you for saying all of this to me, now that I've found someone else and am trying to put my life back together," I said through gritted teeth.

"I---I don't know what to say," Nathan said, looking confused.

"You don't need to say anything else, you've said enough -- all that I want to hear," I said through gritted teeth.

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I rounded the corner to walk out the back door, with Nathan on my heels.

"Please, Haley, wait a second, stop!" Nathan said, grabbing my elbow to whirl me around once we were in the dimly lit back lot.

"Why? Why do you this to me?? Why do you have this effect on me?!" I yelled aloud.

Nathan stepped back, "What are you talking about?"

I was bold now. "I mean the fact that I'm getting married to another man and you still have the power to make or break my day with something that you say or do!"

Nathan stood, watching me, breathing heavily between the anxiety of it all and running to chase me down the parking lot.

"You toyed around with my affections for a long time after we broke up -- I kept sleeping with you to be close to you and you were using me....and I allowed it....just to be near you....just to feel wanted by you."

"It was never my intention to use you, I needed that connection with you too- I've always loved you," Nathan protested.

"Please save your excuses -- you wanted that connection on your own terms....that's the difference."

"I know and I'm sorry for all of it," Nathan said.

"That's fine -- but it doesn't change any of it!" I said. The severity of my anger was just coming to light for Nathan. The expanse of my emotions were being put before him for the first time. In the past, he'd known I was sad and angry but he didn't know how deep all of it had run until now.

"I'm not trying to mess up your life --" Nathan said, his tone just above a whisper. "I needed to tell you that I was sorry and that you would know that it does affect me -- knowing how much I hurt you....that's not a thought I live with comfortably.....and to think I came so close to being just like Dan...to becoming Dan! I'm getting what I deserve now -- because this guy has you and I don't --he's a lucky guy --"

"---please stop saying that!" I said in an exasperated tone.

"I can't seem to say the right thing here!" Nathan said, throwing his arms up.

"Just please stop saying how lucky my fiance is! Right now, I don't think he'd feel very lucky to have me!" I shouted.

Nathan's arms dropped to his sides and he just looked at me for a moment in confusion.

Then, I stepped over, grabbed the back of his head and pulled him into a kiss - an angry, intense and passionate kiss.

The kind of kiss that leaves you completely dazed and breathless. Nathan and I had never lacked passion or intensity and this was no exception.

Then, I pulled away and without another word walked back toward the club.

I could feel his eyes boring into my back as I walked through the lot, knots of fear, guilt and anger all welling up into my stomach.

I had done that on pure impulse to shock him and now I felt quite honestly like the worst person in the world.

Whatever bad things may happen to me now, I think I deserve it.


	9. Chapter 9

I walked back into the club, thankful for the dim lighting to hide my tear stained cheeks.

I walked right past the table that Brooke, Peyton and Tara had gotten near the corner.

"Hey, Haley!" I heard Brooke call after me, but I continued to walk back to the restroom.

I went in and stood over the sink.

I grabbed some tissues and tried to salvage what was left of my makeup.

Brooke and Peyton walked in behind me.

"What's the matter? What's going on?" Peyton asked.

I just shook my head.

Meanwhile, Nathan had made his way back into the club and walked over to Tim.

"Hey, dawg! What's the 411? I thought you bailed on me," Tim said half laughing, holding a beer out for Nathan.

Nathan just shook his head, clearly still dazed from the encounter and more importantly, that kiss, "Sorry, Haley and I needed to talk."

Tim noticed Nathan's dazed look and raised his eyebrows, taking a swig of his beer. "I am not asking-- but if you want to spill the gory details, I'm game."

Nathan rolled his eyes, taking a swig of his own beer.

~~~

"That bastard, what did he do to you?!" Brooke exclaimed.

"Please calm down," I replied, wiping my eyes.

"I'm serious -- what did he do this time?"

"It's not what he did, its what I did, alright?!" I exploded.

Brooke and Peyton looked at me, completely confused.

"He said some things, I blew up at him and then I kissed him." I looked down at the ground, completely ashamed of my actions.

Peyton shook her head in confusion and Brooke's eyes widened, "you did what?!"

~~~

"She did what, yo?!" Tim asked, a look of genuine surprise on his face.

Nathan nodded, avoiding eye contact with Tim. "Yeah- this whole thing just got even more complicated."

"It doesn't have to be -- " Tim countered. "I mean, you're a playa' - she's engaged...shake it off, let it be a mistake and that's it."

Nathan looked at Tim, "I guess that's the way everyone sees me, huh? Some raging womanizer?"

Tim shrugged, "well, I was half joking....your track record sort of speaks for itself...but hey man, I'm not judging -- I think its off the hook."

Nathan shook his head, "well I'm tired of people seeing me that way -- I'm different now. I've made a lot of mistakes but I'm working on turning things around."

Tim nodded, "I'm sorry man. I really was just busting your chops - I wasn't trying to insult you."

"I know," Nathan replied. "I just know how badly I hurt Haley and for what? A few parties and one night stands? It's all meaningless...."

"Well, like you said- turn things around for yourself," Tim replied. "Go out and meet a nice chick- "

"--I don't want to meet another girl," Nathan said, his eyes looking out over the expanse of the club. "I want Haley."

~

I wiped my eyes a final time to get any residual tears away from my eyes and cheeks. I touched up my makeup and took a final look in the mirror.

"Are you ready?" Peyton asked, handing my purse to me.

I nodded slowly.

I had to go back out there - I couldn't stay in the bathroom all night. I knew Nathan would still be out there and I didn't have a clue what to do or say next.

I walked out of the bathroom with Brooke and Peyton right behind me.

I was woozy from the alcohol and the crying - everything felt like it was moving in slow motion. I could see all the figures on the dance floor.

I glanced over to see Tim nudging Nathan who then turned to face me.

Our eyes met and we just watched each other.

I couldn't read any emotion or expression on his face.

I turned to look at Brooke and it was as if she could read my mind.

She shrugged, "this one is your call, completely."

I nodded - I had to face this.

I walked slowly toward Nathan and he continued to watch me walking toward him.

"Can we talk?" I asked as I approached.

Nathan merely nodded and ushered me to the side exit to get away from the noise.

We walked out on to the sidewalk, dimly lit by the overhead street lights.

We walked side by side in silence for a couple of minutes.

"I don't know what got into me," I said finally. "I completely blew up at you about things in the past, I really shouldn't have."

"You were just being honest about how you felt," Nathan replied.

I nodded, "yeah, but all of that is better left in the past."

We were silent for another minute while I figured out to bring up the rest of it.

"....and the kiss was completely out of line -- I can't believe that happened and I can assure you it won't happen again."

Nathan stopped, pulled my elbow and stood facing me, "are you sure about that?" he asked in a husky tone, that confident bravado of his out in full force.

I looked into his eyes and we were inches apart - I silently willed for my resolve not to be weakened once again.

"I can't -- I'm getting married....this isn't fair to Todd, he doesn't deserve any of this...."

Nathan just looked at me for a second, then looked at the ground, shoved his hands back in his pocket and began to walk forward again.

I closed my eyes, exhaling a deep breath.

"So what do we do now?" Nathan asked.

"There's nothing we can do -- I mean, things aren't any different than they were before."

Nathan stopped and looked at me, "things are very different for me." He took my arms in his hands, "look me in the eye and tell me that you love him and that you really want to marry him...."

I looked at the ground, silent for a moment. "Please, Nathan....don't."

"I'm serious -- this is something I have to know. If you say the word, that you want to be with him and we're completely finished- I'll walk away....but I have to hear you say it."

I looked back into his eyes. "Why are you doing this?"

"...because I need to know," Nathan replied, a very serious look on his face. "To be perfectly honest, those months that went by when we didn't see each other or even speak - I thought things were over and done....until I saw you again and it hit me -- I'm not over this....I'm not over wanting to be with you."

"Do you remember what you told me?" I asked him, bound to avoid his question, at least for the moment. "You told me that you weren't ready for what I needed.....and I can't see that you would be anymore ready now."

"How do you know that?" Nathan asked.

"I don't," I sighed. "....but I don't know that I can risk everything just for you to hurt me again."

Nathan backed down for a moment and stood silent.

"How can I prove to you that I've changed?"

"I don't know--I don't know if you can or if I want you to...." I knew that was a lie but I couldn't let him know everything. I had been divulging way too much information lately.

Nathan nodded slowly, looking into my eyes again. "...well, you know what I think and how I feel - so I guess the rest is going to be up to you....if you can trust me again, or if you even want to. I'm leaving town for a few days, but this isn't over....not until you say that its over."

I exhaled deeply, closing my eyes - this had been one hell of a night.


	10. Chapter 10

I laid in my bed, my mind a jumble of thoughts and emotions in total chaos.

I couldn't remember a time in which I had felt so happy, guilty, sad and confused all at once.

A declaration of love and devotion by Nathan - I'd been waiting for that for so long and now it was here....it was bittersweet though and the bitter part was taking the joy out of it quickly.

My mind was racing with thoughts of Todd. Sweet, good natured Todd who had never done anything to deserve such treatment (and he wasn't even aware of it yet which made it that much worse). Todd only made the mistake of getting involved with an emotional basketcase - in all honesty, my hasty jump into a relationship with him was neither fair to him nor was it right. I hadn't been ready, I had merely been looking for a replacement....but out of that had grown a true affection and a love.

I continued to lay there, waiting to be struck by some epiphany - some sign that could show me what I need to do and how I could be happy....I knew I was waiting in vain. There were no easy answers or convenient 'outs' on this one -- I was on my own.

~~~~

"So, its a bona fide love triangle!" Peyton exclaimed as I winced at her comment.

Brooke rolled her eyes, "you're so dramatic -- its ridiculous and that stuff needs to stay in the soap operas where it belongs."

"... yeah the soaps that you watch religiously every day," Peyton retorted, sticking her tongue out at Brooke.

I shook my head - maybe talking with friends wouldn't even help this time. Erin and Tara had gone, leaving Brooke and Peyton here to help me with my emotional and mental crisis.

"What kind of person does this? What kind of person accepts a marriage proposal and then puts the guy in the middle of what you call a love triangle?" I said in a glum tone. The guilt was consuming me and I hated every minute of it.

"No, in my opinion, your having second thoughts now is better than having them after the wedding," Peyton reasoned. "...maybe this is just your heart's way of telling you, Todd isn't the one."

I looked at her, "this is so confusing -- I know I love them both for different reasons which only serves to make this decision even harder."

"Are you going to tell Todd about the kiss?" Brooke asked.

I nodded my head, full of shame. "Yes, I can't keep something like that from him -- it would make our relationship a lie if I didn't tell him."

"I still just think its pretty sh&^% that Nathan thinks he can just waltz back in and have you again - now that he's grown up or so he says," Brooke said. Her disdain for Nathan certainly hadn't diminished and from her perspective, I couldn't blame her.

"He doesn't know that," I retorted. "I haven't made any sort of decision about anything or anyone...."

Peyton and Brookelooked at me. "C'mon -- its kind of knowing the outcome of a game but still wanting to watch how it plays out," Peyton said. "Everyone pretty much thinks you'll go back to Nathan."

I gaped in surprise, "and who is everyone?"

"Erin, Tara, me, Brooke and Tim."

"Tim? When did you talk to him about this?"

"We were talking about it while you and Nathan were walking the streets of Tree Hill last night," Peyton replied.

I shook my head in embarassment. My love life and the debacles I had placed myself in were now entertainment fodder for my friends.

"Well, glad I could amuse everyone," I said wryly.

~~~~

I worked all day and evening on Monday - throwing myself into the operations of the restaurant in an effort to escape my personal life. I got home a little after 10pm. The reality of my situation struck me as I walked into the silence of my apartment. I had managed to hide among the noise and the crowds at the restaurant all day and it had been somewhat comforting. It hadn't allowed me to dwell on everything that had happened in the past 48 hours.

I was consumed with feelings of confusion, sadness, guilt, anger and elation all at the same time.

I was angry at Nathan for putting me in this position and angry at myself for allowing it.

I couldn't believe how I had betrayed Todd - I have never felt so unsure of my own feelings, thoughts and values and its a very unsettling experience. You grow up and live, thinking you are a certain way and suddenly things change that cause you to react in a way that betrays your very nature.

I've always been a very sensitive person - I've always prided myself on being extra supportive and extra considerate of others. I have always taken relationships seriously- even at the dating stage....the old Haley would have recoiled in horror at the thought of kissing one man while being engaged to another.

I closed my eyes, feeling the tears welling up again. I knew that Nathan was gone - flying to Boston to leave me alone with my thoughts.

I had not talked to Todd since Saturday night - he'd left a voicemail on my phone Sunday evening when he'd come back from Raleigh. He knew I worked all day on Monday, so he hadn't even tried my cell -- and I hadn't called him back -- I knew I needed to gather the courage to tell him what was happening and it would have to happen the next time we spoke. This was something I couldn't keep from him - he needed to know the truth, he deserved to know the truth....regardless of what the future may hold for the two of us (if any future at all), I couldn't mar it further with lies...

~~~~

I picked up the phone with a trembling hand and hit the speed dial on my phone.

"Hey sweetheart!" Todd said into the phone after the second ring.

A knot forming in my throat, almost thwarting my speech.

"Hi," I managed to remain calm but content.

We did the whole 'how was your weekend?' conversation to catch up and I knew I couldn't skate around the small talk for long.

"Would you like to come over for a bit?" I asked him.

"I'm pretty wiped out....would you mind if we got together tomorrow?" he asked.

I nodded even though he couldn't see me -- a bit relieved perhaps, that I had been given a bit of a reprieve from the impending disaster.

"Sure, that sounds fine," I replied.

"Are you okay, honey?" he asked.

There it was - the inevitable question....to lie or not to lie?

"I'm tired -- but I do want to talk to you about something tomorrow."

"Oh, can it wait though? I mean, if you need me to come over tonight, I will," Todd said.

I fidgeted with the button on my coat, trying to decide at a second's notice what I needed to do.

"Well, I think its something we need to talk about as soon as possible -- its kind of important," I said, holding my breath.

"Are you alright?" he asked with concern.

I exhaled sharply, "Yes, I'm okay...."

"Okay, well I'll be over in 15," he said and hung up abruptly.

I sat down on my sofa, trying my hardest not to cry.

~~~~

Just as promised, Todd arrived around 15 minutes later.

He hugged and kissed me hello but he could see from the look on my face that something was definitely wrong.

"What is it? Haley, tell me," he said, taking my hands and leading me over to the sofa.

I sat down, looking at the floor and trying to choose my words very carefully.

"Well, while you were away, you know the girls took me out for my Bachelorette weekend..."

Todd nodded, willing me to go on.

"...and we had a great time -- but....I ran into someone while I was out....I ran into Nathan..."

Todd pursed his lips and nodded, still not entirely seeing where this was going. "Okay...so you ran into Nathan -- did he piss you off?"

"Yes, at first he did....he and I talked and then the next night when we were out, we got along a little better."

That was when his face got that flushed pink color that appears on his cheeks when he's getting angry, "the next night? As in, you saw him both nights I was gone?"

I swallowed, knowing this was getting more and more difficult by the second, "yeah, he was out with his friends too."

Todd looked at me, motioning to continue, "well? what happened? Did he hurt you?"

I shook my head, "No....

I could tell Todd was starting to get impatient - anger and jealousy that only seemed to appear where Nathan was concerned were struck across his features. "Haley, tell me..."

"We kissed," I said, closing my eyes and waiting for the fall out.

Todd stood up from the sofa, "That bastard - I'm gonna kill him!"

"Todd - calm down, stop!" I said, grabbing his arm.

Todd shook my hand away from his arm. "Are you serious? That jerk has the audacity to come on to you after everything he has done to you....he kissed you, Haley!"

"No, he didn't!" I said quickly, feeling the tears starting to stream.

"I kissed him."

~~  
Nearly twenty minutes had passed -- Todd was sitting on the sofa, his hands clasped and resting on his knees as he sat in silence. He refused to look at me as I sat on the arm chair next to the sofa, wiping my eyes.

After what felt like an eternity, he spoke up. "So, you kissed him....Haley, why?"

I shook my head, "It just happened - everything happened so fast -- I don't know...Todd, I'm so messed up - "

"That's a f&^%$# cop out and you know it," Todd said sternly.

I looked at him, shocked at his demeanor. He had never spoken to me that way before, ever.

I shook my head in silence as more tears fell.

"I just don't understand after everything that he put you through....the way he made you feel and you run back to him and kiss him....did you sleep with him?!"

I shook my head, "of course not! Why would you think that?" I asked incredulously.

"- because I don't know you anymore!" Todd said. "The Haley James that I asked to marry me wouldn't even do this -- she just wouldn't.....I guess I don't even have to ask if you still have feelings for him....."

I refused to look at him which I'm sure gave him my answer. I felt sick -- this was one of the worst times I think I had ever gone through - I was questioning everything about myself at that point.

"...but despite your emotional crisis," he said in a mocking tone, "if you're looking for sympathy, you aren't going to get any," Todd stated matter-of-factly.

"Todd - you don't know how horrible I feel that this has happened.....I'm so sorry that I've hurt you - but I had to tell you the truth."

Todd nodded with a solemn expression, "yeah, I'm glad you did --"

We were silent for a few more moments.

Todd stood after a moment. "Well, Haley...I know you're confused right now-- the kiss, I could maybe even try to deal with -- but the fact you still have feelings for someone else...." he paused a moment, trying to find the right words and shaking his head in a way that told me it was something he certainly could not and would not deal with.

"I know that I love you -- but I don't think I can trust you....." he said, avoiding eye contact with me.

I looked up at him and started to stand up.

Todd put his hand up. "So, I'm going to make all of this a lot easier for you -- goodbye."

....and with those words, he was gone.

~~

Its really for the best," Brooke said, handing me another tissue.

She had come over after Todd left and I had told her about what happened.

I shook my head, "Its only for the best because I created a horrible situation in which he had no other choice..."

Brooke just looked at me. "Like I told you before, the fact that all of this happened at all -- maybe you aren't meant to be with Todd....regardless of what may happen with Nathan."

I wiped my eyes -- it seemed like I'd cried rivers over the past week.

"Does Nathan know? I mean, about you and Todd breaking up?"

I shook my head, "I haven't talked to him -- he was supposed to leave today."

"Maybe you should call him and talk to him about everything," Brooke offered.

I looked up at her in surprise, "so, you're actually supportive of this whole thing with Natha?"

Brooke cocked her head to the side, thinking, "I wouldn't say I'm supportive of Nathan -- more like I am supportive of what you feel you need to do."

I smiled, "Thank you -- that means a lot to me."

"I just don't want you to feel like you ever need to keep something from me, I'm not that judgmental...God knows I've made plenty of mistakes," Brooke said. "...and I'm your friend, so I'll always be here for you - even if I don't always agree with what you do."

We hugged for a moment until Brooke pulled away, looking at her watch.

"I really should be heading out - are you sure you don't want to come and stay with me?"

I shook my head, "no, I think I just want to crawl into my bed and go to sleep....I think I need some time by myself."

Brooke nodded, "alright - well call me sweetheart."

It was around midnight - I went to my room and got into my pajamas.

I crawled under my blankets and laid there for the longest time -- thinking about what I needed to do next. I had gone from being engaged to being single in five minutes' time.

I knew the whole effect of it all hadn't sunk in yet - I was numb in a way but could start to feel the dull nag of a void. Todd's absence would really hit me as it should.

I closed my eyes, thinking.

Was Nathan really ready for more? Could I trust him?

Thoughts swimming in my head, I decided that I needed to talk to him about everything that was happening. He had left the ball in my court, so to speak.

I pulled out my cell phone and dialed his number.

"Hello?" Nathan answered.

"Hi, it's Haley, sorry to call so late."

"Hey, it's okay, I'm glad to hear your voice. Luke came up for a few days and I'm challenging him to a Guitar Hero play off," he said, in a soft, laughing tone.

"It's Haley," I could hear Nathan telling Lucas in the background.

"Hales! I miss you!" Lucas yelled from the background.

"Tell him I miss him too and I thought he was supposed to call me!" I laughed.

Nathan laughed too and relayed the message with Lucas promising to call me the next day.

"Oh I see, so you guys are playing video games at midnight -- what? No parties, out on the town for your first night back in Boston?" I asked playfully.

"Nah -I told you -- I've changed...." Nathan said.

I furrowed my eyebrows, "oh really? I certainly saw you at some bars in Tree Hill though."

"Yeah, but that was because I was hoping to see you there," he said in a gentle tone with a hint of flirtation.

My cynicism kicked in. "...a likely story," I said with a smile.

"I'm really glad you called," Nathan said.

"I am too -- I did want to talk to you about some things but I don't want to take you away from what you're doing," I replied.

"No, its fine," Nathan said quickly and I could hear the background noise diminish - he'd stepped into another room.

"What's going on?" he asked me.

"Todd and I broke up," I said.

"Oh &^%," Nathan said. "Are you alright? I mean - "

"Yeah - I told him the truth about running into you and that I kissed you....and he broke up with me."

"Oh, so he broke up with you, not the other way around?" Nathan asked. "...over the kiss?"

"Well, it was more about who I kissed - because of the underlying meaning," I said. I didn't know if I wanted to divulge to Nathan exactly how much Todd had known about my strong feelings for Nathan. Before we had become a couple, Todd had held me for hours when I had cried over my feelings for Nathan.

"I don't really know what to say -- " Nathan replied. "I mean, I'm sure you're sad about all of it....I just can't believe he'd end things over that. I wouldn't let you go that easily, at least not again...not now-- "

I sat in silence for a second. "It's because he doesn't think he can trust me....and who can blame him? I'm just really confused about things - but of course a part of me is upset about it. I mean, he was a huge part of my life - and now everything is over."

"I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted," Nathan said. "I mean - if somehow, you had wanted to stay with him and I had a part in messing it up for you....."

"No, the truth is, I don't think any of this would have happened if I had truly been ready to marry Todd....so, none of this is your fault - I'm an adult not an impressionable child....I got myself into this," I replied.

"So, what happens now?" Nathan asked slowly.

"I don't know -- maybe we can get together when you get back and talk about everything," I replied.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," Nathan said.

A few moments later we said our goodbyes and an agreement that Nathan would call in a day or so when he was flying home.

We hung up.

~~~~

Unbeknownst to me - in a nice neighborhood in Boston, Nathan sat back down on the couch where Lucas was playing the game.

"Are we gonna play or not? I'm ready for this tough level!" Lucas said, not taking his eyes from the screen.

Nathan settled in to play the game - and the two went through a series of songs.

During a break, Nathan told Lucas about our phone conversation.

"So what happens now? I need to call that girl and talk to her," Lucas said.

"I don't know -- there you go again - you're never able to mind your own damn business," Nathan said, rolling his eyes.

"Just think long and hard about what you're doing here, little brother," Lucas replied. "I don't know if either of you can make it through another break up - all of us are still reeling from the fall out of the last one."

"I'm determined to make things work out for Haley and me," Nathan said. "I'm not going to lose her twice."


	11. Chapter 11

Nathan had called me the next day to see how I was doing and to let me know he was flying back to Tree Hill on Thursday night.

"Can I see you when I get back?" he asked.

I thought for a moment before I answered.

"Yeah, it would be good to get together to talk," I replied.

We'd made plans to get together once he got back in town.

~~~

All day Thursday, I was very jittery. It was like I'd been transported back to high school where Nathan Scott had first asked me to tutor him which later led to him asking me on our first date- I hadn't felt worthy and was very skeptical of his motives in the beginning. What would the high school basketball star possibly see in the quiet tutor?

It seemed ridiculous to feel all of these emotions all over again – that overwhelming nervousness and fear of being around someone I had been so comfortable with in the past…..but things were so different now.

It was 'fear of the unknown' that had me in such a state. I didn't know how this whole thing would play out or what would even happen between us. I just know that I have hurt people to get to this point and that's not something that sits well with me at all.

My mind frequently wandered back to Todd- how it had appeared so easy for him to walk away from me. Perhaps it was my ego coming out a bit, but I was a little disappointed that he didn't even try to stay and talk. He just walked away- leaving me to wonder how I could have meant as much to him as he claimed.

I had worked a half day at the restaurant to make up for the fact I'd been pulling 30 hours over the past 48.

I went home to take a short nap before getting ready to meet Nathan but I couldn't fall asleep. I laid in bed, mind racing with thoughts of Nathan and Todd.

I didn't know what I was expecting from Nathan - I didn't think it would be right to just jump back into a relationship with him after a broken engagement to another man that had happened less than a week ago. There was still a part of me that was frightened to let Nathan back in -- a part of me that was sure I would certainly be destroyed this time if things fell apart again.

That's when I thought of it - my eyes flew to the top of my chest of drawers, where Todd's engagement ring sat in its perfect little black velvet box.

I needed to return it to him - it was just a matter of finding the right time...and the right thing to say.

~~~

Nathan's flight was supposed to arrive at Tree Hill at 6:30pm.

I had offered to pick him up but he'd politely declined, saying that his mom was going to pick him up from the airport. Despite her past addictions, Deb had really worked to put her life back together and was making a genuine effort to mend fences with her only son.

Nathan and I had agreed to meet at Karen's Cafe at 7:30.

I got there a little early and sat down to read a newspaper to calm my nerves. My eyes wandered over to the nervous girl trying to balance a tray of coffee cups. She was standing where I had stood throughout my school years, having waited tables at Karen's through high school.

I tried again to concentrate on reading to calm my nerves but I couldn't even comprehend the words on the newspaper page, I was so lost in my thoughts.

I was in my daze until a presence formed over me and a voice spoke gently.

"Hey Hales," I looked up to see Nathan wearing a charcoal gray coat with a scarf. Although I had seen him in a variety of outfits, this one struck me -- gone was the Nathan Scott of the past with his letterman jacket, replaced by a grown man wearing business attire. He'd really grown into the beautiful man standing before me. Now, I just needed to see if his heart had caught up as well.

I smiled up at him, "Hey, Nathan."

Nathan set his bag down and went up to order a drink.

I sat there, reading the same line on the newspaper for the sixth time until I finally put it down -- no use. My attention was completely diverted now.

Nathan had his back turned, looking up at the menu.

I could see two girls who appeared to be in their late teens, standing nearby, blatantly staring at him.

They would whisper and look back, all the while trying to appear as non-chalant as they could if he even turned his head in their direction.

Nathan was completely oblivious to it.

I laughed to myself - the old Nathan seemed to lap up attention from the fairer sex and never saw a shortage of female admirers. It had taken some time for me to get used to when we were dating - I had to admit that I had found myself jealous of a flirtatious cheerleader or basketball fan on more than one occasion.

This new "mature" Nathan that stood at the counter waiting on his drink was completely oblivious to the attention surrounding him. He turned to look over his shoulder at me, his cobalt eyes burning into me. We just stared at each other for a moment until he began to grin. Then, he turned back around where the nervous waitress was pouring him a cup of coffee.

I could hear him thank her politely and leave money on the counter as he turned to walk back over to sit down across from me.

"Hey again," he said with a glint in his eye and a small smile.

I smiled in return, "Hey --"

Then, suddenly, we were on an awkward first date of sorts.

Nathan sat drinking his coffee and I racked my brain for something to talk about other than deep profound life-altering issues that weren't appropriate to discuss amidst the latte crowd.

"So, how was your flight?" I asked.

Nathan looked a bit relieved that I had started a conversation, "it wasn't bad at all. How was your week here? How's work going?"

I went into a story about the restaurant.

"Ya know, I haven't been back there for about a year," Nathan lamented.

"You should come by sometime, I'll make sure you get the chicken parm that you used to like so much."

"Sounds excellent," Nathan said smiling.

We were quiet for another moment until Nathan spoke up.

"I wasn't supposed to say anything but Lucas flew in this evening as well, he wanted to surprise you. That's why I told you that I didn't need a ride from the airport," Nathan explained.

I laughed - Lucas and his attempts at big surprises. "I even talked to him a few days ago and he didn't say anything about it," I said.

"Yeah, he's been wanting to come back for awhile but his editor has been on his case about the manuscript," Nathan said.

"--but Lindsay's his editor, right?" I asked.

"Yeah, so you can understand even more so why he needed to stay to finish the book and keep her happy," Nathan grinned.

I laughed - Lindsay was a sweet girl that Lucas had met a couple of years ago when she edited his first book. They had been together ever since.

"So, I hope you don't mind, but the plan is to head over to my place for a little while. Lucas is going to stay with me while he's in town. He wanted to see you," Nathan said hopefully.

I nodded, "that sounds nice. I would love to catch up with him. Why isn't he staying with Karen?"

Nathan grinned, "He wanted to surprise her and Lilly too. So, he's going to go over there in the morning and surprise them with breakfast."

I smiled to myself as we finished our coffees. Nathan pulled out his cell phone to make a call.

"Hey Luke," he said into his cell phone. "Listen, I am headed home in just a few - yes, Haley is with me. We're at your mom's cafe....no, Haley is in the restroom and has no idea that you are in town," Nathan said, winking at me and flashing a grin.

"Yes, I know its a surprise -- you're a nerd, do you know that?," he said into the phone.

I shook my head and laughed quietly. Lucas would go all out to surprise people - it was endearing though.

"Alright, later bro," Nathan said, still smiling at me.

A moment later, he hung up.

"You ready?...and remember, you have to act surprised - I didn't say a word to you that Lucas was here " he said with a glint in his eye as he helped me into my coat.

"Yeah, I have no clue whatsoever and it will be a huge surprise," I smiled up at him.

He handed me my scarf and brushed my hand with his for a second.

He had the look in his eye that I had seen so many times.

I broke the eye contact and looked down to grab my purse from under the table.

He grinned and opened the door me and we headed out into the crisp, cool night.


	12. Chapter 12

We got out of the car and headed up the walk to Nathan's apartment.

Nathan got his key and unlocked the door before ushering me into the apartment.

"Hey surprise!" Lucas exclaimed, enveloping me in a warm hug.

"Hey Lucas!" I replied, returning his hug.

His eyes shifted over to Nathan.

"Did you tell her?!" he asked.

Nathan held his hands up in mock defense, "...tell her what?"

Lucas gave him a look, "that I was here?!"

That's when I took the opportunity and spoke up. "NO! I had no idea you were coming, it's great to see you!!" I said with a smile.

I looked over at Nathan who grinned back at me

The three of us settled into the living room on the couch while Lucas filled me in on his book and life with Lindsay.

"She sends her love and wanted to come with me but she was just swamped with work, partially my fault since I put off finishing the book," Lucas explained.

"Well tell her I said hello and that I would love to come up and visit sometime," I replied.

Lucas and Nathan continued to tell me stories about some of the people they had been working with in their respective careers.

"One author at the book signing had actually requested that no one look him directly in the eye," Lucas said, with a smile.

Nathan looked at him with a confused expression, "Why?"

"...because apparently, he's got a few problems with paranoia and thinks everyone is always staring at him anyway," Nathan replied.

I winced. "...well he's a famous author, so people probably do stare at him when they recognize who he is."

Lucas shrugged, "yeah, I know. That's one thing I've definitely learned about the creative industry. There are more than a few people with oddities."

"There have been many creative people who suffer from mental illnesses -- its almost as though their creativity comes along with it," I said. "Look at Van Gogh - he was plagued with delusions and psychotic attacks."

"Maybe that's what's wrong with Lucas," Nathan smirked and Lucas threw a couch pillow at him.

"There are plenty of athletes with issues too, trust me," Nathan said. "Some can't handle the performance pressure, others can't handle how easy it is to access drugs."

My heart leapt in my throat, "I hope none of those things are a problem for you?"

Nathan shook his head quickly. "It's definitely a different life - but I think its pretty empty for the most part -- not my scene and especially not the drugs," Nathan said, looking over at me.

"So, Hales, catch me up on Tree Hill. I hear things here and there from mom but how have you been?" Lucas asked.

I told them stories about the restaurant and classes.

"I hope to get into Hotel/Restaurant Management at a major resort....that's what I'd really like to pursue," I said.

"That does sound like fun," Lucas replied.

"Where would you want to go?" Nathan asked.

"I don't know - maybe California or Florida - or even the Bahamas."

Nathan looked over at me in a moment of surprise. Almost as if he'd never quite thought about the fact that I may eventually leave Tree Hill. I was waiting for him to speak, but he remained silent.

"Well I think that's wonderful," Lucas spoke up in response.

A moment later, Lucas' phone began to ring.

"It's Lindsay, I need to take this," Lucas replied as he hurried to the next room.

Nathan walked over to the kitchen to make a couple of drinks for us and I followed him there.

"I hope this hasn't been weird or anything --I mean, I know you wanted to talk, so I hope it wasn't a problem that Lucas was here," Nathan said, taking glasses out of the cabinet.

"No, not at all," I replied. "Lucas is one of my best friends. I am glad he's here - its great to see him."

"I know he's happy to see you too," Nathan grinned. "I don't know if he ever told you this but right after we broke up, he barely spoke to me for a month."

I laughed, partly in surprise. "Really? I didn't know that."

"Yeah - he said I was making a big mistake and that I'd regret it. He knew that you were hurting too and I think he felt like he was in the middle," Nathan said, "...but he was right, it was a mistake--all of it."

I looked at him for a second.

We had been sidestepping everything since he got back -- and Lucas had only been the excuse. He wasn't bringing it up but I wasn't exactly anxious to either. I think I was scared that talking about it would somehow ruin the evening -- for once I just wanted things to progress the way they would without analyzing and talking everything to death.

Nathan narrowed the gap between us, pinning me to the counter.

"So, what do you want to do now?" he asked me in a husky tone.

The mood had suddenly changed drastically.

I could see the change in his eyes - they had darkened a bit and were staring right into mine.

"I don't know -- I mean, are you tired? Were you and Lucas just going to hang out here or did you want to go do something?" I asked him.

"That's going to depend on you," Nathan said, never breaking eye contact with me.

My breathing became a little shallower although I didn't notice it at first.

If there was one thing we never lacked - it was an attraction to one another.

"Maybe we should just head to my place and talk," I said to him almost in a whisper because I couldn't manage to find more of a voice at that moment.

Nathan only nodded silently, backing up to give me some space.

At that moment, Lucas walked back in with his cell phone in hand. He only looked between us briefly, not ready to ask questions.

"Well, I'm gonna see that Hales gets home alright," Nathan said, grabbing his keys off the counter

"Aww, Hales, you aren't staying longer?" Lucas asked. Then he looked from me to Nathan. He got an amused expression on his face. "....well, I know Nathan did say you guys wanted to talk and stuff, ya know catch up," he trailed off.

Lucas looked at Nathan, "I won't wait up man -- I'll just crash on the couch."

Nathan gave him a look and I could feel my cheeks flush with embarassment.

I guess it would be obvious that Nathan was staying with me if he didn't come back for the night -- even though Lucas had known of my past with Nathan, it was still like talking about it with an older brother and I know it was definitely not something Lucas wanted to think about.

We said our goodbyes and headed out the door.

We drove the 10 minute distance to my apartment.

He pulled up to the front of my apartment and parked the car.

"Did you want to come in and talk for awhile?" I asked him.

He nodded silently and got out to walk around and open my door.

I stepped out of the car and shut the door when he pinned me against the frame of the car.

Within seconds, he'd crushed his lips to mine in a kiss that became intensely passionate.

After a few seconds, he pulled away and it was evident we were both breathless.

"Maybe we should take this inside," Nathan said, his eyes boring into mine with a hunger that I hadn't seen in quite a while.

We went into my apartment, then to my room, where we remained for the rest of the night.

~~~~

The next morning, I woke to find Nathan's arms wrapped around tightly around my middle.

It was warm and cozy under the covers and I didn't want to get up.

I looked over at the clock to see that it was 10AM.

Luckily, I was off work until that night so I wasn't in a rush to leave the warm retreat of the bed.

Nathan nuzzled my neck, only stirring a moment from my movement as I turned and then drifting back to sleep.

I watched his face as he slept.

It was ridiculous how good looking one person could be, even in the morning and while asleep....or perhaps it was more ridiculous that I was watching him while he slept...

I then decided that coffee would be necessary if I was ever getting out of bed. I managed to head to the kitchen to brew a pot.

A few moments later, my apartment was filled with the delicious aroma of Starbucks Breakfast Blend.

Nathan walked in, his hair tousled and his eyes still heavy with sleep.

"Morning," he said sleepily and leaned over to kiss me.

"Good morning," I replied with a smile.

"I smelled that coffee and had to have some," he said with a grin.

I poured a cup for him and one for myself and got the sugar and milk to add to both cups.

I was standing up looking at a newspaper that was on the counter when Nathan put his arms around my waist and snuggled against the back of my neck.

We talked for a few moments about the day ahead.

"I want to take you to the park today, if you don't have plans. We never really got the chance to really talk about everything and we could be alone there," Nathan said.

I smiled, "Alright, that sounds great."

"I'm gonna go take a shower and we'll talk more....we can spend the whole day together....I just don't want to miss a chance to work things out," Nathan said, leaning down to kiss me.

"I would like that," I said, trying not to show that I was beaming inside.

Nathan smiled, "Alright-- well, I'll be out in a few minutes."

He gave me a quick kiss and walked back into the bedroom.

I smiled, truly feeling like things were headed in the right direction.

I continued to drink my coffee a few moments until my peace and quiet was interrupted by the doorbell.

I was confused -- I didn't get many visitors at 10AM on a Friday morning.

I opened the door and was shocked when I saw Todd standing there with a bouquet of fresh flowers.


	13. Chapter 13

I gripped my robe tighter around my neck. "Todd, what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't let everything that happened the other night just be 'it,'" Todd said. "I mean, I asked you to marry me. I can't just walk away from you that easily."

I took a breath, feeling like a deer caught in headlights.

"Todd -- you were being honest about your feelings. Your first inclination was to walk away, that's why you did it."

"--Maybe I was wrong," Todd said. "...I mean, to jump to such conclusions about everything...it was wrong of me to do that to you."

He handed me the flowers, "So I came to apologize and see if maybe we could talk some things out?"

Here it was again,. That overwhelming sensation that no matter what I did now, I was a bad person.

"Todd -- I think maybe you were right to walk away," I said slowly. "I - I don't want to play games with you.....but I can't be what you want...."

Hmm...that was starting to sound familiar.....I was saying to him almost word for word what Nathan had said to me in my living room, what seemed like a million years ago now.

"What does that mean? You can't be what I want? You agreed to marry me..." Todd said.

"I know...." I looked at the ground. "...and as hard as this is for me to say....I don't think I should have accepted the proposal....I do love you and care about you....but not in the way that you need. You need someone who is going to be there for you....and.."

I trailed off. It was true I wanted to talk with him about everything. I just hadn't hoped or planned on Nathan being in the next room while it was happening....

I also had every intention of giving the engagement ring back to him and was trying to find a way to sneak back and retrieve it.

"Wait right here," I said.

I walked back to retrieve the ring and walked back to the doorway. The look of pain and sadness on Todd's face when he could see that I was giving the ring back - it was indescribable and I know it will haunt me for a long time.

Could this get any worse?

As if karma was waiting to answer my question ---I could see that Todd was looking past me now. I whirled around to see that Nathan had appeared in the living room doorway, wearing shorts, no shirt with a towel around his neck.

Nathan looked shell-shocked.

I turned from Nathan back to Todd.

"I don't know what to say," I said.

Todd pursed his lips, getting angry. "You don't have to say anything-- I get it."

He turned on his heel and walked down the sidewalk as I closed the door in a sense of shock at what had transpired over a three minute span.

"Uh, are you alright?" Nathan asked quietly.

I merely nodded as I still clasped the bouquet that Todd had brought me.

Nathan just watched me for a second.

I looked at the ground, suddenly feeling very ashamed.

"I am a horrible person," I said aloud after a second.

Nathan put his arm around my shoulders in a gesture of comfort, "aww, c'mon...no you aren't."

I shook my head, "no...I am...what kind of person does this to other people? Other people she claims to love no less?"

Nathan just looked at me, knowing there wasn't much he could say to make me feel better.

"Well, you aren't a bad person...maybe I'm the bad guy...I came back into your life and all of this happened."

I looked up at him, "It happened because I allowed it -- I wanted it to happen." I touched his face. "I know that I will never love anyone the way that I love you -- and no matter what happens, that's how it is for me.....but I ended up hurting people in the process....nothing should be this difficult to hold onto...."

Nathan wrapped me in his arms. "Please don't say that. Yeah, I've made this more difficult than it needed to be but that doesn't mean its not worth fighting for. Haley, I have made so many mistakes in the past. I let you go, thinking a different life would make me happier -- but it didn't....I never felt truly happy when I was away from you-- I think I tried to hide behind drinking and basketball...but it just didn't mean anything if you weren't there with me....it's always been you...no matter how hard I tried to deny it or fight it.... and I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere....I'll fight to make this work with you -- I'll fight for you."

I hugged him tightly for a moment.

"...after we saw each other again, that's when I knew - I wasn't over you....and if you were willing to give me a second chance...I knew I didn't want to mess things up a second time....I couldn't lose you again," he said softly.

"Haley, I love you so much - and I know that I always will."

"I love you too," I said, feeling tears welling up.

I pulled away after a moment. "I just need some time to myself, though, ok? "

Nathan looked at me with a questioning stare. "Okay....do you want to be alone now, or for the day..? "

I closed my eyes. "I just need some time, I don't know how much right now, alright?"

He nodded silently and I could feel him watching me as I walked back to the bedroom and shut the door.


	14. Chapter 14

I spent a couple of hours in the room alone. I just needed to be alone with my thoughts, without so many distractions. Deep down, I knew that I loved Nathan and that there was no real conflict to speak of, at least not anymore.

I knew that I had to come to terms with the fact that I had hurt Todd. It didn't set well with me…and I knew there was nothing I could really say or do to make it any better.

Nathan was very understanding. He gave me the time and space I needed to just think. I know it scared him to a certain extent – I think he was concerned that I may have doubts about us or that I would feel that I'd made a mistake in choosing him over Todd.  
He had left the apartment for a while to shoot some baskets and give me some time. I had been in the living room when he got home.

"Hey," he said with a small smile.

"Hi," I said in return.

He stepped over and put his arms around my waist and kissed my forehead.

"Thanks for giving me some time," I said, hugging him to me.

"Of course, Hales. I know none of this has been easy for you."

I nodded silently.

"…but now, I'm going to ask for you time."

I pulled back to look at him, unsure of his meaning.

"Haley, I know that only in time I can show you how much you mean to me and that I have truly changed," Nathan said. "So, I need to ask you to stick this out with me. Give me time to prove to you how much I love you. I am so grateful to even be here with you, and that I have a second chance. I will never do anything to hurt you ever again."

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes again as I kissed him and hugged him to me. Those were words that I had been yearning to hear for such a long time. I had lost hope that I would ever hear them from Nathan – but fate had found a way.

~~~

I granted Nathan his request – I gave him time. Time passed and our lives continued and things only got better. Nathan went back to basketball but managed to come back to Tree Hill every couple of weeks.

I put in applications at many resorts and eventually decided to take a Marketing job with a travel agency in Raleigh.

Yes, I did give the engagement ring back to Todd after an awkward but productive talk at Starbucks where we parted on somewhat civil terms considering the circumstances. I hear now that he's with a beautiful girl who absolutely adores him...I'm glad -- he deserves it.

I was Brooke's Maid of Honor when she got married last year to a sweet guy named Josh. They met through a mutual designer acquaintance and she was smitten from the beginning.

Nathan and I even arranged to take a cruise with the happy couple as part of their extended Honeymoon.

It was on that cruise that Nathan himself proposed to me.  
I looked around, on that beautiful cruise ship, when Nathan had led me by the hand to rejoin Brooke and Josh after his proposal (that they had apparently known about all a long), thinking how perfect things were.

Of course, they weren't always going to stay that way...but I'd come a long way to get here...a lot of sadness and a whole lot of tears...but I can say now, it was all worth it. I guess, I hold on to the notion that things happen for a reason. Life takes you on journey that can be filled with sadness and pain...but that sadness only tends to make the good times that much better.

THE END


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